Triggers...Hostility

I have always carried an 'I do not care if you like me or not' attitude...on the outside. I have over the last several months realised that actually, I am really bad at accepting that not everyone will see the good in you, and some people will just never like you.

I find myself in a situation where the mother of my partners child has been very clear on the fact that she doesn't like me, want me around, doesn't want to see my face etc (that's a whole new post). Now, I have tried, I have persevered, I have reassured, I have proven myself time and time again and have an amazing relationship with her daughter, however I have now, nearly four years down the line come to the conclusion there is nothing I can say and do to change it, I genuinely have no bad feelings towards her, I cant afford to for the sake of my relationship with my partner and his daughter. I just need to not let the fact effect me. This is where I (well..my therapist) noticed a trigger. This is simply an example of a situation from which I have learned that, I have been uncomfortable with people not liking me since school, I had friends, associates, classmates etc however the fact I had people that 'didn't like me' is a huge part of my secondary school memories. To this day, I still say I would never want to go back and do it all again.

Soooo 'Whats the problem hun?' There are two sides to every story so others truth is likely to differ from our own however when I have confronted people I have never had a straight forward answer to what the problem was/is, and then been branded 'confrontational' 'disrespectful' and 'drama' etc for asking. What this is really about though is how much I let these facts effect me, I am sure I had many happy memories in school and I know that I have incredible memories from my relationship, but they are often hugely overshadowed by what I consider the 'bad' and how the 'bad' made me feel. The frustration from my school memories has stayed with me until now and I believe has had an integral part in how I handle people disliking me for 'no reason' now. It triggers 'people pleaser' Leanne, it triggers 'defensive' Leanne amd it triggers an insecurity that I am still working on shifting. I love my partner and I can honestly say he treats me incredibly well, so I ask myself 'Why have I been on the brink of leaving him because of how someone else feels about me?' It has even effected my career in terms of allowing my office to become somewhere I felt surrounded by people that didn't like me, so I stopped going there, or cried the entire journey to London, this alongside my depression and anxiety made it impossible to work, and I was therefore signed off 'sick' for what turned out to be three months (they were supportive, companies are most definitely improving on their mental health support all round)

I figure that I need to find a way to shift the balance from needing people to like me, to wanting people to like me and not giving a flying frog if they don't, simple as. As long as anything I have done or will do in the future is with a clean heart then as far as I am concerned its the 'right' thing regardless of opinions. Tips for the not giving a flying frog part are welcome, I just always get really frustrated especially when I know the other party is choosing to not see the good in people just to fuel their own agenda (currently getting really annoyed and now going for a walk)

I, like many others have many triggers...but we will get to them, can't wait to talk about people chomping, yuk. Do you recognise yours?

N.B In general, I was no angel in school either and certainly made some mistakes, and for those I am sorry. (Not you though, you deserved that. LOL)

Currently listening to: Triggered by Jhene Aiko

P.S Please do not feed the unicorns

#Triggers #MentalFreedom #WhatsYours #PeoplePleaser #NoNewFriends