Lifelong audition...

I met my partner nearly four years ago, in our first over the phone conversation he was very upfront in relation to the fact he had a daughter. My relationship prior to him had many issues however his two kids were never one so this wasn't a deal breaker, what was a deal breaker is his relationship with her Mum. My ex overstepped the mark and in addition to other issues in our relationship we split, was there a chance that this would happen again? Yep. So I had a choice, I let him (my past) ruin what I could have or I single him out for the **** he was and give this new guy a chance. Spoiler alert..I just referred to him as my partner 😉

I was the first woman he was introducing to his three year old baby girl, I was honored, although obviously didn't believe him at first haha. He had asked me how I feel about it and he had also he spoke to the mother of his child first, got her opinion and recommendations on how to manage the introduction and although she disagrees, he took them on board. I was assured all was good as they knew this was going to happen one day, they had been over for two years so the inevitability was getting realer, they had discussed it several times since separating. I can literally picture exactly where we were when having the conversation and how reassuring he was that there would be no issues. Boy was he wrong. I could spend all day going into the details of the constant roller coaster this has been but quite frankly this is finally about me and that is their business as co-parents, eventually what I thought was the end of the chaos resulted in social service checks, background checks, court cases, harassment claims and the worst part, my partner not seeing his daughter for months. I supported him through the whole thing and I wouldn't take a second of the time and energy I gave the situation back but I gave it everything and now I feel I have nothing left to give, encouragement is now slowly shifting to resentment. This is another post...

For now what I will talk about is how difficult it has been and I imagine will continue to be in the respect of 'playing my position' in what I often refer to as a ready made family (whether they act like it or not). It has been a very long journey of battling everything from negative stereotypes about 'Step Mums' in Disney movies to the negativity surrounding my arrival from her Mum however I can happily say that me and my partners daughter have the best relationship, I love her and I genuinely feel she also loves me. Though, this isn't without its challenges still.

The heading of this post 'lifelong audition' is no exaggeration on how I feel about being in my partners daughters life, neither do I mean it in a negative way. The truth is she is his pride and joy, rightly so, there is nothing in this world including his own life he wouldn't sacrifice for her....even me. With that being said and throwing in a sprinkle of paranoia, a dash of anxiety and a heap of insecurity, it makes for a very sensitive situation. Is he still with me because his daughter likes me? Am I doing enough? If I upset her one day will he leave me? etc etc etc

I try hard and for a long time probably tried too hard to make his daughter happy and comfortable when she is with us, and I feel she is, however we still have our issues. I pray my own daughter is as protective of me as she is of her mother, but I never want her to feel a type of way about someone because I do, and that is what is still happening. Everyone sees it but her mother doesn't and can rock our household in a single sentence in earshot of/ to her daughter. I feel due to what his daughter has seen in regards to mine, my partners and her mothers relationship leaves our relationship constantly on knife edge and although worth it, it is exhausting, I am exhausted. Do not get me wrong there has been huge improvement however it is, as history proves, a flick of a switch from changing.

It is so hard to love a child like they are your own but to also find the balance in knowing when to pull back because she isn't. Help her learn lines for her play, great! Attend the play to see her blossom, don't event think about it, I am not a parent so am told 'I have no place there!' Not caring for her is not in my nature and she deserves all I have to give, but care too much, I am trying to replace her Mum. It is all about balance and I am not sure I will ever find it or feel completely secure in the 'situation' My partner is supportive, I don't think he has any complaints in regards to my relationship with his daughter. It’s an internal battle, I often wish I could just be me, which I am, but what I would like to be able to do is switch off from overthinking everything I do, especially when its triggered by external influences.

At present our biggest issue is that she doesn't want to spend the night (literally, whilst I am typing she is telling her Mum and Dad she doesn't want to stay) her bedroom is Unicorned to the roof, it could not be more 'her' but she refuses to stay overnight and it's entertained by both Mum and after giving it all he had now her Dad also. I feel like a total douche saying it but I put a lot of time, money and effort into her room and making sure she had a permanent place in our home, so the fact she doesn't 'want' to stay really hurts me, and then hurts me even more when I consider how much it must be hurting my partner. I have often imagined myself painting the walls and making it a dressing room, which, when not in my feelings, I know I do not want to do but it leaves me with the question, what more can I possibly do and why is everything I have done so far not good enough?

P.S Please do not feed the unicorns

#Relationships #Appreciation #FourthWheel #Love #PlayMyPosition