Happiness vs Perfection

What does happiness mean to me, to you or to your loved ones?

I really find this such a hard question to answer, although it is easier to answer now than what it was few months ago when I couldn't think of a single thing, especially as I had everything I thought would make me happy but still couldn't connect with the emotion.

A lot of people, professional and unprofessional throughout my 'episode' told me to find and do something 'I love' something that I am the sole beneficiary of and makes me ‘happy’.

Now, what made me a version of happy that I had come accustomed to at the time was sleep, naps, rests and crying. Literally. The only way I felt I wouldn't be 'sad' was when I was sleeping and even then sleep paralysis had different ideas. There we so many things that in my head I would love to do, and equally as many reasons as to why I couldn't do them, I’m incapable, I don’t have the time, it’s stupid and you’ll look pathetic being just a couple of them. Even this blog has suffered at the hands of those same thoughts. I have been M.I.A for a minute and it was not from lack of wanting to write it was due to the presence of forcing myself to feel like I didn't need to anymore, because happy people don't write mental health blogs right?! WRONNGGG!!! (I have always wanted to shout that, but capital letters will do)

The fact is, I am very proud to say I am in a much better place mentally, and closer to feeling like an upgraded version of my previous self. This version is still learning but I am not trying to be the student, the teacher and a leading board member of the department of higher education all at the same time. My depressive episode humbled me in a way that I seriously needed to be humbled in, not because I thought my life was perfect but because I truly believed that being the 'strong' woman I aimed to be meant that I needed no one but myself. I can have bad days now, like just yesterday, it was the anniversary of a friends death, I was sad, I was moody and I was totally in my feelings BUT I told my partner how I was feeling and I told the family that I was around how I was feeling, they didn't mollycoddle me, they didn't force a smile out of me, they did not provide me with an endless supply of chocolate biscuits, actually they didn't do anything out of the ordinary to make me feel better, but they knew, and that in that moment was all I needed and something I had deprived myself of for sooo long!

I recently (against doctors orders which I do not advise) stopped taking my medication so I am hypersensitive to whether I am actually okay or if I am ignoring huge warning signs, this is where my new found version of happiness vs perfection comes in. I had terrible PMT last week, my skin flared up and my mood was less than appealing to the people around me, I am super busy at work as is my partner, we are selling our flat and moving location, which happens to be even further from 'my people', I have a range of family matters that alone are stressful let alone all of them at the same time, I am deeply concerned about several people, I am still overweight (even more so now) and I am still riddled with my own insecurities, therefore is my life perfect? No. Am I generally happy...yes. That doesn't mean I do not care about the issues previously mentioned but I am not overwhelmed by them and that is huge for me.

The expectations that society inflicts on us can be unbearable, but they are nothing compared to the expectations we often inflict on ourselves. There is so much going on in the world at the moment, to me, it's so important now more than ever to stay grounded, protect your mental health and put things into perspective, you can care about the world but try not to drown in its problems, or yours. Everyday my only aim is to stay in control.

P.S. Please do not feed the unicorns

#Happiness #Perfection #MentalHealthAwareness #SelfCare #Focused