Good Grief...

When initially speaking to my therapist, providing some background on myself and on some of my life experiences death was something that come up quite frequently.

This isn't something I had imagined writing a post on so soon or even at all, my intended next post was actually focused more on my chubby middle and confidence haha. However I very recently lost my Uncle to Cancer, he was only 63, diagnosed and passed all within 20 days. It’s incredibly sad and this time I am determined to process my emotions fully before essentially 'moving on'. Unfortunately my first experience of 'losing someone' was fairly early on in life when a classmate was unfortunately ran over by a bus nonetheless. I was told when I arrived in class and continued my day as normal until I got home, where I fell through the door and into my mums arms in tears. Since then I have experienced the loss, in the sense of death, of at least ten people, all of which are close family or friends, and a number of them I was practically bedside. This is where you usually get the 'tell people you love them', 'spend as much time as you can with your loved ones' etc which is true, but for me focusing on that isn't beneficial in the moment, yes it puts things into perspective, but we all have very busy lives, although I wish I had done those things on all occasions beating myself up and putting unrealistic expectations on myself going forward just doesn't help.

There is no way to prepare for these things, even if you are very aware it is coming, once it actually happens it still takes the wind from beneath your sails, I have lost people in tragic accidents and from disease that results in a much longer process, never have I been 'prepared' or have taken it easier because of their age etc.

Regardless of how these deaths occur, when I look back it looks as though I almost felt selfish about my own feelings, my instinct being to be strong for someone else or to look strong too others so they do not worry and also owing to my own pride, this was obviously seen straight through by my nearest and dearest on all

occasions, it would go something like:

Them: 'Are you OK?'

Me 'Yeah, I am good, you know...its just...you know, How are you?'

Them; 'OK, We are on the way'

What I am trying to focus on now is 'being in my feelings' everyone feels and processes things different and there is no right way, so whether that be deciding to just get on with my day or stay in bed for the day, go to the gym or order pizza, that is OK. It is another case of not letting others expectations or generic Instagram quotes determine how I should be dealing with something as extreme as grief.

I learned about 'mindfulness' in therapy, and this is the first time that I have really needed it, grounding myself in moments where I am overwhelmed with worry for those closest to me. I was literally laying in bed a few nights ago playing a reel of questions around how people I love, and how I, will die, if it will be painful, if I will be young or old etc. Thankfully I was with my partner and I told him, he recommended I read a ridiculously childish book (The Secret Unicorn Society Handbook) to calm my mind and it worked. I took in where I was, what I could see, smell and taste took some deep breaths and read until I was tired enough to get to sleep. Worrying is a normal part of life but if it causing your heart rate to increase and you are imagining scenarios you have no control over in the worst way, take a step back, I am no professional but under these intense circumstances it helped for me.

What is your go to? Your happy place? Are you comfortable enough to initiate your DND setting?

If you are affected by anything above please initiate or join conversation in the forum, sometimes just saying these things 'out loud' can make a huge difference.

Please do not feed the unicorns

#InMemoryOf #CircleOfLife #HappyPlace #PastorHolder #Relationships