Friendships...

My last post leads me nicely on to this one, Friendships.

My friendships were the first thing to suffer, and in all honesty are still suffering, from my depression and anxiety.

Friends I have had for years will ask to see me, I would agree (sometimes) and then spend the entire lead up thinking that its going to go horribly wrong, they will finally realise I am as boring as pizza without pineapple (Yes, I said it) and that I make them feel so awkward that they will never bother contacting me again, I avoid friends in order to keep my friends, baffling.

The truth is, I lost trust in friends when I left school, I had a, what they call these days, a bestie, a ride or die, you never heard her name without hearing mine and visa versa. Soon after leaving school we fell out, grew apart, went our separate ways etc, there were rumors, possibly on both sides but a build up of incidents that took their toll, and in all honesty, from what I can remember, she ghosted me. It was shocking 'Burnside road, front cover news' and pfffft my trust in friends had gone, bar my sisters who are my ride or die, homies for life (even if we weren't sisters, they are pretty cool). To this day, we have never really discussed it, I consider her a friend now, but we lost what we had, I still get pretty jealous of peoples 'friends for 20 years' posts etc. Now, this is in no way shape or form a blame game, I am just being honest about where I feel this all started, mostly to highlight that the cogs of my depression are likely to have been turning some 15 years and therefore effected the way I dealt with the situation, which was to not deal with it at all! I can say my distrust and paranoia around friends has cost me or has very nearly cost me some great people in my life. It's a strange feeling to feel like nobody likes you, yet be egotistical enough to feel like everyone is talking about you behind your back.

You say the word 'networking' to my partner and he is jelly in your hands, he thrives in those environments. Me on the other hand, I just about resist the overwhelming urge to physically retreat but will internally retreat to the fetal position underneath the closest available desk, chair or table etc. I feel in my core that I have no value to add, I genuinely worry I will not even remember my name when asked. This has never happened, obviously. It is completely irrational. Trying to get to the bottom of where this level of insecurity comes from is still a work in progress however I am now putting myself in the positions that I previously avoided, even if its just for thirty minutes at a time and increasing that in small increments, that may sound extreme but it is that real.

Social anxiety doesn't effect everyone the same way and luckily I have family and friends that, once I was honest with them, are totally understanding of what I have been going through, and persist to make every effort to be in my life even when I make it difficult. If you do not...you have come to the right place 'Hey Girrlll'. Head over to the forum and start a conversation, this is a judgement free zone.

Currently listening to: 'You've got a friend in me' by Randy Newton

P.s Please do not feed the Unicorns

#Friends #SocialAnxiety #Grateful #Patient #Relationship #LetPeopleIn