Accepting my Diagnosis....

This has been the longest and hardest part of what has been an 18 month journey, well, I say 18 months but if I think about it I can date feelings of overwhelming sadness and isolation from many years before, all the way back to secondary school for sure. I am my Fathers daughter, he has an inspiring 'that's life, get on with it' attitude, as do I, however 2020 Leanne is learning to combine and balance that with the inherited aspects of my Mothers nature 'empathy, consideration, and insecurity'. The term 'acceptance' can mean many things to many people, to me it is as simple as not trying to change the facts and learning to manage how I feel about them instead. What I thought would be an overnight change with some talking therapy I now know is a lifelong project but what better to work on for the rest of your life but you?

The point I knew I really needed help, I had been crying for 5 days straight. I had just bought a house, I had an incredible partner, and a had just got a great new job with all the perks you could possibly want (most important one being free food ) yet I felt a sadness that was so overwhelming that I could not even pretend to be OK. I had already started withdrawing from my friends, I was reacting to things in a way that even in the moment I was not proud off, but just could not stop. I did go to the doctors and was given a self help leaflet told to lose weight and sent on my way. After a few months of just pushing things aside and 'getting on with things' I was in an even worse place and was not finding joy in anything I done and that was when I had the energy to do anything at all. I was very insecure and felt extremely ungrateful, I was at my lowest point of my life and I needed to do something about it.

I found it very difficult to make the initial call to get myself some help, attempting to dial the number several times before allowing it to connect. I can tell you now that the build up to the call was far worse than the call itself, these people are trained, there isn't anything they haven't heard. In short, I now have weekly CBT therapy sessions, I have spent 4 weeks as a day patient in a Mental health hospital for various group therapy sessions, all whilst still resisting the reality of my diagnosis and the fact that I needed 'professional' help. I can actually be quoted saying 'Group therapy is my idea of hell’ yet I now voluntarily attend after care sessions once a week. The ‘lesson’ here is do not knock it until you have tried it, I know first hand how it feels to be surrounded by people and still feel lonely, and to feel suicidal but not want to die. Please talk, to family, to friends, to strangers or even as yourself or anonymously on the forum page of this site.

Currently listening to Sinead Harnett ‘If you let me’ (from me to me)

Please do not feed the Unicorns.

#Diagnosis #MentalHealth #Talking #Medication #IhaveDepression #IamNotDepression #Acceptance